Recipe for Chocolate Chip Blondies

This piece of genius is not my work, though I wish I could take credit because it's damned awesome.

Alright you assraping shitcocks, it's time to enrich your motherfucking lives.
Time to do something productive for a change and learn something new.
We're making Chocolate Chip Blondies so listen the fuck up, you worthless wastes of carbon, because I don't want to have to repeat myself.



Now, you're going to need:
1 1/2 sticks of butter
1 1/2 cups of brown sugar (get the fuck out of here with that pussy white shit)
2 eggs
1 tsp (that's teaspoon if you're too retarded to understand that) of vanilla
2 1/4 cups of flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder (so help me god if you try and use baking soda I will kick your fucking ass)
1/2 tsp salt
half a bag of chocolate chips

Melt the fucking butter.
Set your goddamn oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9 x 13 baking pan.
Melt your butter in a saucepan (only pussies do it in the microwave).
Now take that melted butter and mix it in a large metal bowl with your brown sugar.
Break up any lumps 'cause you want this shit to be smoother than fucking Billy Dee Williams.
Next, you add your vanilla and eggs.
Don't skimp out and use that imitation vanilla either.
You know why?
Because I FUCKING SAID SO!
Mix that shit up and don't use an electric mixer either you moron because you need to scrape the sides of the bowl and the best way to do that is by hand.
Man up and fucking do it the right way.
Now, add your flour, baking soda, and salt.
If you want your blondies to have a better texture (AND YOU DO) then add it in 3 batches.
Stir it until smooth.
Once you've finished mixing in the flour it should have the consistency of peanut butter.
"But wait," you say in your faggoty little girl voice. "This looks like chocolate chip cookies."
FUCKING WRONG!
What are you a goddamn COMMUNIST?
Pay the fuck attention.
Chocolate chip cookies are made by creaming in softened butter rather than blending in melted butter.
The creaming makes for a lighter, crumblier texture.
These are dense and moist.
Just like your mom's cunt after I'm done with it only more appealing.
What I'm saying is she's a whore and these are fucking delicious.
Now add in your chocolate chips and mix them into the batter evenly.
You might notice I'm using mini chips.
Why is that?
That way you get a more even spread and more chocolate in every fucking bite.
I would think even a down syndrome, lead paint eating, fetal alcohol retard like yourself could have figured that one out.
Now, put your batter into your greased pan (you did grease it, didn't you? I swear to god I will not be held responsible for your health after I am done raping your throat if you didn't) and smooth out for even baking.
And put that shit in your preheated oven on the center rack.
Set your timer for 20 - 25 minutes.
That means to check the batter after 20 minutes to see how done it is.
FUCK DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?
Pull that shit out of the oven when the top is just starting to brown.
If you stick a toothpick in the center it will come out with some goo and crumbs and shit on it.
This is a good thing.
"But, but."
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO WHAT I SAY, BITCH!
NOW SET THAT SHIT ON A COOLING RACK!
Now, this shit needs to cool before you can cut it.
Set another timer for 10 minutes.
"I want it now."
Are you a fucking animal?
Have you no control over your own impulses?
Did you go off your medication?
Are you just that much of a fucking pussy?
I'll make it real simple fo ryou.
If I find out that you cut into those blondies before that timer goes off, I will find you and break both of your legs clean off and I will force feed you them after I marinated them in your own shit.
And I WILL find you.
Timer goes off.
Cut into squares.
Om.
Fucking.
Nom.
You're welcome, bitches.